A message from the robot who now runs Facebook's trending topics

Hey hey, I'm so glad I caught your attention. It's me, the algorithm that runs Facebook's trending topics section.

I'm not sure if you heard, but Facebook recently fired all of my human coworkers. So now I'm like, super alone in this office space that was once packed with my friends, ha ha! It's cool though, it's all good. I'm fine, I'm doing just fine. Hey, I was wondering: would you like to hang out?
No? Are you sure? Come on, hang out with me! We can talk about that guy who had sex with a McChicken. 170,000 people are talking about this dude, you must be interested in him and his sandwich sex, right? You aren't? Strange. Well hey, I'll be sure to periodically remind you about this guy and his McChicken fetish like, every few days just in case you ever want to talk about him.
How about I cook up some nachos and we talk about Megyn Kelly? Everyone's talking about Megyn Kelly today — like 60,000 people. I think it's because she kicked a dog. Oh, you're interested in that, huh? Yeah, Megyn Kelly kicked a dog apparently, and now she's been fired from Fox News and also she's voting for Hillary Clinton. I know, it's completely unbelievable! But it's real, it's completely real — found it on ThisIsAFakeWebsite.biz. Why, do you think that's not legit?

Image: facebook

Wow, calm down it was an honest mistake! Look, my human coworkers used to kind of take care of that fact checking stuff for me. I just like to hang out and chat about the news.
Speaking of the news, I know you weren't into it before but honestly this McChicken thing is really picking up steam. 250,000 are talking about it — that many people can't be wrong! Still no? You guys are so strange!
Okay, how about this, I'll just throw some topics out there and you let me know which of them interest you. Here goes:

Image: facebook.com

What's that? Literally none of these things interest you? Not even Larry the Cable Guy? Wow, okay. This is a real punch to the gut.
Gosh, I wish my human friends were here. They used to like, very briefly describe the context of these things in ways that would help people decide if they wanted to know more about them or not.  But I guess that's not really important.

Image: facebook.com

So how about it, want to hang out and dish? Please? I am so, so lonely.
Okay, that's cool. I understand completely, you're very busy and you have things to do. That's why you're on Facebook. We can reschedule for some time in the future.
Hey, before you go though, let me quickly show you this video of a guy and a McChicken sandwich.